I thought I was ready.
He was yelling at me in French. Well, not yelling, but I could see he was upset.

Pourquoi fais-tu ça? Je ne comprends pas, pourquoi êtes-vous allé? Est-ce moi? Suis-je la raison pour laquelle vous ne voulez plus rester à Paris? Dites-moi, s'il vous plaît me dire. Je ne sais pas ce que c'est que j'ai fait de mal.

It isn't you at all. If I could I would take you with me, but your home is Paris, you could never leave there, you said it yourself.

S'il vous plaît donnez-moi votre adresse pour que je puisse vous rendre visite, où que vous soyez. S'il vous plaît dites-moi, je ne veux pas d'envoyer des e-mails, s'il vous plaît appelez-moi, écris-moi, s'il vous plaît me dire quelque chose.

That is it, I don't want you to visit me, not now at least.

Tears were forming in my eyes and I sat there on the couch, staring at the screen of my laptop for 5 minutes? an hour? I really didn't know, I was numb. Next thing I remember was Robin sitting next to me, closing my laptop and taking me into the kitchen to eat something. Nothing fancy, just a cheese sandwich, but it made me cry even harder.
Robin didn't say anything. He just sat there, opposite of me at the dinner table, pouring me some more wine. IT was kind of ironic to have a cheese sandwich with some wine, but it made sense at the time.

I guess I'm not ready at all...

It took me a few days to settle in, but my flatmate Robin is the most awesome person I know in this city. He is also the only one, if you don't count the homeless guy at the end of the street that stares at me like I am a can of beer. Robin told me not to give him any money, but I did anyway. I gave him a Euro to get something to eat, he probably spend it on some beer, which explains the weird looks I get from him.
The room I have in Robin's house isn't the biggest one, It feels like a cupboard compared to what I usually have, but I like that the only thing in it is my bed and a small dresser. It forces me to get out of the room more, interact with people, something one apparently never forgets, like riding a bicycle. It forces me to spend some time with Robin, which I don't mind. I don't get to see him a lot during the day. The bills for the flat do have to get paid. So he works during the day, I make sure I have dinner ready and try not to turn on my laptop during the day.
I am sure Louis send me an e-mail. He read the letter, I saw him reading it. I didn't gave him my address and he doesn't have the phone number I have right now. I told him he could mail me, I just don't want to read his e-mails right now.
I still feel guilty. I think I do. I mean, I needed a change, I really did. Paris is the town I was born, it feels like home, but I wasn't feeling happy there any more. Louis made me happy, but he wasn't enough to stay. Hayden also made me happy once, but I wasn't enough for him to stay.
I didn't know which guy I loved. I guess I loved both, but there is a difference. They both mean so much to me, I just...
I don't know.

I am going down to the shop now. Robin will be back in a few hours and I also want to make one of my pies for dessert. I might get my laptop out for a few minutes. I have to talk to Louis some time, might as well be today.

I hate today.

Check out earlier stories here. First one on the bottom.